One of the most difficult realizations that we all must come to is that the vast majority or relationships - including family, romantic, and social relationships - are based on fear and need, not love, which in most cases grounds the relationship in dysfunction. This is not to say the relationship should not exist. Every relationship has a purpose and is extremely valuable to us, although it is not usually the value we think it has.
The true purpose of relationship is to allow us to heal and grow. The people in our lives uniquely point out to us the parts of ourselves that need healing. The paradox in this process is that it doesn’t look like this. It looks like someone who is annoying, controlling, dishonest, bullying, or unkind, or even “loving,” “kind” and “generous.” And therein lies the trick question of life : if it is not what it seems, then what is it?
Most of us do not not realize that discovering the true nature and purpose of life is the journey we are on. They get taken in by the trick question and spend their time reacting to the problematic individuals in their lives. This can rapidly spiral downward into a hot mess of action/reaction, he said/she said, all of which must be untangled before we can get back to the surface where clear vision and truth reside.
The aim is to use everything our relationships present to us as an opportunity to first identify, and then analyze, our feelings, in the effort to realize the fears they arouse in us. Our relationships exist for this purpose - to help us heal our fears - because we cannot be truly, unconditionally loving whilst we feel fear. Fear is the antithesis of love, it is the vacuum that is created when love is absent.
Divine Love is the energy that activates all life and so if we want to remain in the flow of life, if we want to reside in love and be completely loved and loving, we must face our fears and work to eradicate them. This is why we are here and the failure to realize this is the root cause of our pain and suffering in relationships.
This can be difficult because most of us have not been educated in the true purpose of either life or relationships. Experience eventually teaches us, for those paying attention and willing to see, that most of the theories and ideas we are taught about what life is are actually misleading. If we desire peace, love and harmony in our lives and relationships we need to be prepared to see our relationships differently. We must be prepared to look beneath the surface of things.
For this reason, the people who are annoying, controlling or unkind are in many ways easier to deal with because they are what they seem. The issues that need to be dealt with present themselves clearly and it is then up to us to choose to engage or not. And if we choose to engage then we are free to do the healing work required to return to, and remain in, a state of love, whatever they do or say.
It is those who are motivated by their own selfish need and fears, which is presented in the guise of love, kindness and friendship, that are more problematic, largely because they are more difficult to identify: the friend who seems kind and supportive but who uses us to get what they want; the seemingly loving family member who plays on our feelings of guilt and shame in order to keep us in a place where they can control us; the lover who professes love and devotion but who betrays us and is deceitful in order to keep us where they want us purely for their purposes.
No matter the relationship, no matter how seemingly important the other person is to us, there is one golden rule of engagement we should apply: we must look to see how they other person treats themselves and then decide if we want participate in the relationship. No matter what, how they treat themselves is how they will ultimately treat us. Thus, if they are motivated by fear and the lack of self-love, they will not, because they cannot, treat us with love
If we choose to stay and engage then we must bring love, which is free from judgment, criticism and fear, to the very place where there seems to be unkindness, betrayal or dishonesty, with the purpose of healing the fear in ourselves. And this is the crucial point. We are not trying to heal the other person. That is their task, and their task alone. We merely take the opportunities that the relationship provides to heal ourselves, to heal our fears that we are unlovable, unworthy, and unimportant, and replacing these fears with thoughts, words and actions of love.
Then the more loving we become, both with ourselves and with others, the more our life shifts until we begin to see different people coming in to our life. The more loving we are, the less compatible we are with people motivated by need and fear. They are not attracted to us, just as we do not feel drawn to them, and they pass us by. Instead, the people who are seeking healing, those who love themselves and are looking for people with whom they can share their love, begin to recognize us and seek us out. Their high vibration is compatible with ours and we glimpse new possibilities for the creation, expansion and sharing of love.
When we truly love ourselves we are self-governed and free, unaffected by others’ opinions, beliefs or agendas. They problem can be that we often don’t really know what this looks like in practice. Gary Zukav, in his book Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power, describes it beautifully:
“Humbleness, clarity, forgiveness, and love replace fear. The world becomes a friendly place. You see the struggles and spiritual potential of others and the complexity and richness of their lives, even if they are not aware of them…You consult intuition, choose your intentions consciously, move forward with an empowered heart, and act without attachment to the outcome. You do not presume to know how the Universe works or question the wisdom and compassion that shape your experiences according to the choices that you have made. You do your part and trust your nonphysical guides and Teachers to do theirs, take responsibility for your choices, and strive to contribute compassionately and wisely to Life. Each moment is full and complete. You think in terms of causes (intentions) and effects (experiences) instead of right and wrong, good and bad, fortunate and unfortunate. You know that a factor of karma is involved in your experiences, and so you do not take them personally. You give without expectation and receive without reservation. All that you need is given to you.This is authentic power.”
Our relationships exist to teach us how to attain authentic power.
