When does self-love dissolve into self-justification and self-righteousness? What is the difference between them, and where does the line between them lie? Here’s a real life situation which I will dissect to show where I think that line should be drawn.

I was sitting on the beach on the weekend enjoying a beautiful panoramic view of both sea and coastal shore. That is, until a young family came along. They set up one of those beach tents on the sand right in front of me, blocking almost half my view of the water. I overheard the father marvel at how large the tent was so I took this admission as my lead to suggest that perhaps they could move the tent further down the beach where they would not be inconveniencing anyone else.

I didn’t think there could be any debate about the ‘rightness’ of my point of view. But it is when you are convinced you are right that you have to be very careful. Being right is the province of the ego. The ego just loves to be right and to win, and will basically do anything to preserve its position. So when this small family remained intransigent and went on the attack, my indignation rose and my ego scrambled to fight fire with fire.

I was right, and my ego wanted them to acknowledge that fact. My mind skittered over various smart retorts that I was sorely tempted to shoot back at them. But there was also another voice in my head that knew that this would not take me anywhere good.

I recently read an interview with Ashton Kutcher where he said he’d learnt a lot from his older, and perhaps at times wiser, wife Demi Moore who’d taught him that when you’re right, that’s all you are.

Dr Wayne Dyer, international speaker and teacher of self-reliance, poses the question: would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? The notion of ‘rightness’ is obliterated by the anger, hatred and verbal violence (usually only a short step away from physical violence) in the attack and counterattack that occurs once egos are engaged.

I may have been ‘right’ in my original position, but the minute I allowed my ego to engage with their egos, i was in a whole different territory. I rapidly moved from love to fear and lovelessness.

So where did self-love start and end in this exchange? Self-love gives us the voice to speak up and ask that others respect our boundaries. When I expressed my point of view, rationally and calmly, I was acting within the realm of self-love.

Once the exchange descended into a battle of egos, my strong desire to impress my view upon the family, in the hope that they would capitulate, was not self-love. That was pure ego.

Self-love is a pre-requisite for loving others. We cannot truly love others until we love ourselves. But self-love has nothing to do with ego, which keeps us separate and in opposition to others. Love, whether it be of self or of others, never excludes. Love is the means by which we feel oneness with all life. Ego keeps us divided and in competition.

Allowing my ego to engage with theirs was my mistake. I did eventually move down the beach, but my peace had been disturbed. Being ‘right’ was not enough to preserve it or my joy at being in such beautiful surroundings. Beacause I had spoken lovelessly I had not chosen peace, and love and peace are syonymous. So if we are not feeling peace, know that we have not chosen love - self or otherwise.

Eileen McBride
Eileen McBride is the author of Love Equals Power 2, a spiritual seeker and teacher. This article was published on February 10, 2010.