As I bent forward I could feel the hamstring in my left leg resist. It did not want to go to the places the rest of my body willingly ventured.

As I breathed into the recalcitrant muscle my yoga instructor told us not to focus on the parts that wouldn’t integrate. The aim, he said, was to just notice those parts that felt separate and unable to move as far and as deep as the rest of the body in each yoga posture. Notice them, and notice the space between the integrated and non-integrated parts. Not judge it, not try to ameliorate it, just notice it and then create the pose around the space, he said.

Despite the discrepancy between different muscles, ligaments and limbs we were not to focus on the one or two parts that would not integrate. We were to focus, rather, on the many that did.

It occurred to me that this was a profound clue to how we should build and manage our relationships. In every relationship there is a part of us that is all in, and a part that never commits. No matter how much we want to completely merge with the other - especially if the relationship is extremely important to us - there is always that rogue piece of us that will not cooperate.

This space is entirely natural and will always exist. It is the place where our egos, and our ego desires, reside. Contained within this are all the thoughts, reactions, and fears that arise because of our sense of separation from others (and from our own true selves).

These are the thoughts and emotions that keep us separate because they exist only to support and reinforce the ego, the seat of our separation and individuation. We will never feel full connection with others while our egos are in play. And while we are in human form we will always have an ego to contend with.

So it makes sense to just notice the distance we all feel, to a greater or lesser degree, accept it and then create our relationships around that space. We don’t need to worry that the space exists or to try to diminish or eradicate that space. It just is and probably will always be.

The task is to create a loving and rewarding relationship around the space. Space can happily exist where there is no judgment and no fear.

As in yoga, so in life.

Eileen McBride
Eileen McBride is the author of Love Equals Power 2, a spiritual seeker and teacher. This article was published on October 27, 2010.